The Ink Of Me

    The questions I often struggle to answer are questions involving myself. In twelve years of studying, I often encounter the words “Who” and “You” and these words are seemingly simple until I answer it with an “I” followed with an “am” then my name, and then…..I stop. My fingers freeze and the ink of my pen creates a splotch of black forcing my sentence to an abrupt end. At this moment, as I recall this typical scenario that happens to me whenever the question thrown at me contains a “Who” and “you” I would describe myself as a pen.  

  

     

The cap of the pen is my mask, a protective and strong layer, it is a layer of strength and confidence, a layer that hides my insecurities, flaws, and who I am wholly. It is a layer that shows the surface of who I am. It is not a layer made to deceive but to test who I can trust to take my mask off. The thin cylinder represents my control and balance over things while the ink represents my thoughts and feelings, it contains memories, stories, and experiences that made me who I am yesterday and today, it contains people who I hold closely, it contains my opinions and insights about certain topics that I would want to say and express if I am comfortable enough to take the cap off and show my color. I work as a pen, I function as a pen and I also react like a pen. When the pen bleeds through the paper it means I lost my control and my emotions are in haywire, when the pen skips it means I’m too tired to express or explain myself, when the pen runs out of ink it means I’ve had enough, I’ve reached my limit. I am like this, like a pen. 

    An odd comparison but it is the only thing fitting to describe what and who I am like. I often switch moods and I’m impatient, sometimes I get irrational, sometimes I panic about everything, I often doubt myself, at times I get too negative, my humor is odd, others even say it is offensive. I like being honest or straightforward, I’ve always thought that it reduces misunderstandings and complications but after reflecting on my actions these past two years I realized that my honesty sometimes is the reason for complications. I tend to get overconfident and lose my sense of reality that when I fail, I do not only fall but also crash into pieces, at other times my ego or pride gets the best of me and my relationships, firmly believing that I am always at the right and they are always at the wrong. Other than the evident flaws I try to fix, I see myself as someone who is emphatic and cheerful, I always like to smile even at people I do not know, I like to have a big laugh and I like spending time joking around with my family and friends. I love to bathe in silence and nature as it keeps me calm and lets me think about numerous things, I also consider it as the time to reflect on myself. I absolutely love reading books that deepen my understanding and give me realizations about myself and my environment. I love six pm’s because it is the time where I reconnect and deepen my relationship with God. I like to discover all my flaws and blessings, I like to know myself deeper to truly know who I am.

    Knowing who I am is a journey I take with each step in every day, each day in each moment decides who I will be the next minute, the next hour, and even tomorrow. Defining and knowing who I am is a continuous and long process. Yes, I am flawed, but I am greatly blessed. I chose to describe myself as a pen because a pen can only write only when the cap is opened, then you will see its color. Like me, you can only wholly know me if I decide to take off my mask (cap) and show you who I am. A Pen blotches, skips and runs out of ink, like me, I blotch when I've lost control, skip when I am tired, and run out of ink when I’ve reached my limit. Like a pen I leave a permanent mark in the chapters of other's pages, it may be short or long but it is a moment where you get a glimpse and understand who I am.